12ish years ago, when my firstborn daughter had her first fever, I was a nervous wreck. I was nervous because:
She had a fever and was only a few months old;
I didn't know what to do;
I worried that calling the pediatrician's office at 11 pm for a low-grade fever would get eye rolls.
I moved past my worry and called anyway. After some calming and giving me instructions, the wonderful nurse told me something that has stayed with me since that night: "Never hesitate to advocate for your child."
I heard her but didn't really understand how far that piece of solid advice would carry me until recently.
Two Kids - Two Personalities!
After giving birth to my second daughter, I foolishly thought: "Oh, I got this! Two girls...they will be just the same!" I couldn't have been more wrong. They are wonderful opposites in all the ways. My older daughter is a bit shy and a lovely ball of emotions over all things - confusing her father on a daily basis. My younger daughter is a fantastic hurricane who never hesitates to share her opinion - no matter your age. She is the twin of my sister who told her Kindergarten teacher, "What am I supposed to do while you teach David how to read?"
Ignoring her last year of Montessori School, my younger daughter has had smooth sailing with teachers. They have embraced her personality while encouraging her to respect boundaries. This year has been different.
"My teacher doesn't like me."
She said those words within two weeks of the school year. I was hoping things would settle, but after attending Back to School Night, I knew my daughter was correct: her teacher did not like her. While you want everyone to like your kid, you know that's not real life. My issue centered around my daughter KNOWING she was not liked by her teacher and the hurt feelings that come along with such a reality.
Fast forward to mid-school-year, I receive an email requesting a conference. Long story short, the teacher was bothered by my daughter questioning her decision-making skills and making no attempt to hide it. Apparently, there was also a problem with my daughter laughing when other children caused disruptions.
I know my kid. Despite my repeated reminders to respect adults and refrain from eye-rolling, I know she is quite capable of questioning adults in a disrespectful manner. So when the teacher told me that my daughter regularly asks to participate in a different (usually solo) activity than the rest of the class, it did not shock me.
"I will continue to teach her to yell rather than whisper."
After listening carefully and responding with words that acknowledged I heard the teacher's concerns, I began to explain a few things:
"She is a child and will do childish things."
"Research shows smart black girls are expected to behave differently than their classmates. When they do not, they are punished more harshly."
"My child has opinions and is learning when and how to express them. While constantly questioning the direction of your class and rolling her eyes is unacceptable behavior, as a Black girl who will eventually become a Black woman, I will continue to teach her to yell rather than whisper."
Years ago, a fellow MILF alerted me to a concept that we may or may not be consciously familiar with regarding the routine adultification bias towards Black girls. Please read about it here: https://tinyurl.com/adultbias and here https://tinyurl.com/blackgirlsarekidstoo
There is an expectation that Black girls should behave more maturely than their peers. Be passive. React differently than other students. Refraining from showing aggression. Fall in line. I do not want them to fall in line. That is what I did.
One of my favorite YouTube videos (Give me grace, I'm working on my addiction https://tinyurl.com/MILFaddicted) is Luvvie Ajayi Jones' Ted Talk: Get Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable https://tinyurl.com/drluvvie. She delivers a fantastic talk about the importance of speaking hard truths and why it is necessary to become familiar with being uncomfortable. Generally speaking, I am uncomfortable when it comes to speaking hard truths. But I knew I had to advocate for my child and become familiar with being uncomfortable.
For me, Luvvie's greatest line in the whole talk was, "In a world that wants us to whisper, I choose to yell." That line moved me instantly. I have whispered for most of my life. As a child, as a young adult, and as a MILF, I still whisper. I am so proud of my yelling daughters.
My Vow.
The uncomfortable conversation with the teacher was a valuable one mostly because it spurred me to make a vow to both of my girls: I will always encourage them to yell as long as they lead with love and respect.
I thought sleepless nights and explosive diapers were the challenging phases of parenting. Again, I was wrong. I realize now more than ever I am responsible for raising confident, courageous, and kind human beings that continue to love themselves before and more than they love anyone else.
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