When I was a kid, I didn't know my mom was her own person. I was unaware that she did and deserved to maintain a separate existence from my dad, my siblings, and me. I lacked the capacity to understand she had an entire life before me. She had goals and desires completely separate from getting me to practice on time. She had talents that didn't involve anything to do with helping me with my homework or hand-sewing Halloween costumes. She had flaws that made her perfectly human. She also had fears and insecurities, just like me.
In my subconscious mind, she was my mom...mine (shared with my brother and my sister, of course), not necessarily her own person. I'm a bit embarrassed to say this, but I have only recently fully recognized my mom as being her own, not mine or anyone else's, but only her own. Those of us in her life are blessed to be a part of her journey - but we are not her journey.
Tell me everything!
While on my journey of self-discovery, it is interesting to recognize that I have a lot to learn about myself! While that seems like an obvious statement, for me, it takes a lot to slow down and process daily feelings that I rarely put conscious thought towards.
What do I truly enjoy? What do I not enjoy? What are my goals? Do I have boundaries? How have my past experiences shaped who I am, and how can I continue to shape who I want to become? As I started to think, two related narratives came to mind:
My children would be confused by the idea that I am working on self-discovery and continuing to grow as a person because "she's mommy!" To them, I am their adult that tells them what to do and how to do it, so surely, I've got it all figured out, right? Answer: Absolutely not.
And, OMG, I have a mommy...Is she continuing to grow as a person? Has she fully discovered herself? Is she still learning from past experiences? Does she have it all figured out?..."OMG, my mom is a person too!"
All of my grandparents have passed away. I regret not recognizing they were people too. They had pasts, stories, goals, lessons, joy, and guilt that I never asked about. It did not occur to me that they were people I should get to know. It did not occur to me that they were their own, rather than simply my grandparents.
I think most of us put time and effort into getting to know our partners. In those early days, we spent hours just getting to know that person. That's what dating is all about, right?
What's your favorite food?
Where do you want to travel
Who are your role models?
What's your biggest fear?
Even co-workers! There are expensive team-building retreats are designed to allow co-workers the time and space to get to know each other so they can form bonds that encourage a stronger team.
You don't know me, man!
Why don't we put forth this same effort toward truly getting to know our family and close friends? Complacency? Are we taking our time with these loved ones for granted? Do we think we know them already? Have we connected our idea of knowing them to only knowing how they fit into our own lives?
I am looking forward to getting to know the family and friends that I currently take for granted. I am guilty of knowing them based on how they fit into my life. I am especially excited about recognizing that my mom is someone I can get to know as an adult. Asking deep questions about her childhood. What she sees for her future. All the tea!
Time will tell if I am successful at teaching my kids that I am my own person until they reach adulthood. I didn't get to this MILF status effortlessly, and it ain't easy to maintain. But, for now, I am "mommy" who helps them with their homework, makes dinner and reminds them of how proud I am of them.
Who do you need to get to know better? Make the time to do so. Let me know how it goes!